Holy shit!  Was that a helicarrier?!
Ever notice that ‘?!‘ makes a very specific sound in your head?

What happened to Lisa after the end of WEIRD SCIENCE?  I know there was a television show, but, that doesn’t count. The original movie ends with the boys stealing those girls from that rando and young Tony Stark. I still have so many lingerie questions about that movie. Friendly reminder:  Lisa was only a day old. DAY OLD!  Dayyyyyyy Old.

Have you seen DEADPOOL yet? I’ve seen it twice already.  Yes. This is a pissing contest.  Wouldn’t you need to use a bucket for that sort of thing? Hard to measure a stinky puddle sitting peacefully in middle of your living room floor. ‘That rug really tied the room together.’ I saw a rumor that Blind Al was wearing the Infinity Gems as rings?  ‘McAvoy or Stewart?’ That shit was great.  Do you think some movie producer was sitting in a meeting and asked ‘How is it that Deadpool is able to reference the actors who play Charles Xavier in the same world he’s meant to exist it?  I just don’t get ittttttttt.’  Why don’t Gambit and Rogue just use a full body condom? I once knew a girl that could lick her own elbows. Being able to lick your elbows doesn’t mean you’ll be a titan in the bedroom. Is one of your hands currently touching your face?

Yes, there were a bunch of references to Ryan Reynolds films.  And Peter Parker.  And the MCU. There’s DEADPOOL action figures everywhere and and and they talk about that WOLVERINE movie that botched his origin and he’s wearing an ADVENTURE TIME watch and that joke about ‘Beast shitting on his lawn.’ I knowwwwwww. Did you read that letter from James Gunn mapping out how Hollywood is inevitably going to misunderstand why DEADPOOL was a success?  I will give you the abridged version:  ‘Hollywood now thinks that cursing = success.  Violence. Be R-Rated. Box Office Smash. No. Create smart content and the people will come. Not ‘sexy come.’  More like that scene in that movie when James Earl Jones comes out in a cornfield.  ‘Comes out in a cornfield.’ I’m a gay corn star.  No, the lesson to be learned is that you should actually listen to your audience and give them the movie they deserve.  We all know how the SPIDER-MAN and FANTASTIC FOUR reboots ended up. aw. I liked those. The thing is, DEADPOOL is not revolutionary.  Did you all forget that BLADE had a vampire getting a double blowjob in the first 5 minutes? I’m sure PUNISHER: WAR ZONE had some groovy stuff in it too. DEADPOOL is great because the people working on it cared about what they were making. Your honor! I present Exhibit A: GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY. Sustained! It makes my anoose clench just thinking about how Hollywood is going to take the worst possible lessons from this and erase all the cinematic successes we’ve experienced lately. I can’t take another ‘found footage’ film. Seriously… Did Lisa really stick around their school and become their gym teacher?  She was practically a God.  Was that movie also set in Shermer, IL? Was their an omnipotent ‘sex pot’ running around while the BREAKFAST CLUB was happening?

I was once told the secret to making the perfect sandwich is too lightly toast the bread.  That’s not the secret.  The secret is to smear a small helping of mustard on one side and BBQ sauce on the other.  The rest is dealer’s choice. I saw DEADPOOL twice. I’ve said that twice. DEADPOOL made me laugh.  It made me happy. It made me forget (for a moment) that I am going to die someday. It was brilliantly executed.  I like that he got pegged on International Women’s Day (If you don’t know what it means to be ‘pegged,’ grab your ankles). Although, I think comic DEADPOOL would have been more into it.  He did stick a Ring Pop in his ass, so, emotional growth! Way to go, Reynolds. Morena Baccarin really brought the funny. Stereotypical sex worker character?  Ehhhhh. Better than other films. You know, her character is a mutant shape shifter?  Do you think they’ll include some throwaway line in the sequel where somebody ask where she is and Deadpool is like ‘Who are you even talking about?’  Colossus felt like what would happen if a cartoon character accidentally found themselves on an episode of SVU.  I never skip a Youtube commercial with TJ Miller in it. Expect more Negasonic Teenage Warhead in your comics, true believers. That’s what you get for liking her as much as you did.  Is this movie going to revolutionize action movies? Probably not. LETHAL WEAPON already did that.  No, PREDATOR. DIE HARD. PROBLEM CHILD. The take away should be… Make a quality movie, hire people to work on it that actually care about what they are making and the fans will show up. Fill every scene to the brim with your hot love. And blow shit up. “So. Why didn’t that work for SCOTT PILGRIM?”  I TOLD YOU TO NEVER MENTION THAT. Cable in the sequel, huh?  OH. POST CREDITS SPOILER NOTICE.  I think they should make Cable a woman.  An Asian woman. Or a red head. Why?  Cause, fuck continuity.  Go ahead. Complain about it. They’ll just use your fanboy tears as lube in the sequel. I hate the word ‘fanboy.’  Time for my “5 Second Wrap Up!”

Hugh Jackman.  Leaked Footage. 4th wall break in a 4th wall break. He was in the mask a lot. Couldn’t afford more mutants. Stan Lee. Masturbating with a regenerating baby hand.

On a scale of MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE to MAXIMUM EFFORT, I give this movie a rating of ‘Masturbation Unicorn.’