Spoiler Alert: The following Recap contains major spoilers for those who are not caught up on AMC’s THE WALKING DEAD up until the second half of Season 3. You have been warned.
The last half of WALKING DEAD’S third season is only days away from returning (from the grave) and I couldn’t be more (infected) thrilled!
So far, this season has brought many new struggles and obstacles for our walking dead gang. And with a tagline like ‘Fight the Dead. Fear the Living,’ its clear that their challenges are only going to get more ‘lively’ this time around.
In honor of the ‘walkers’ taking a back seat to all the violence this season, I decided to invite a couple of actual zombies over for my season 3 WALKING DEAD recap! Naturally, hilarity ensued!
Out of fear of being in breach of contract, our guests have all decided to go by aliases. They have all also agreed to curb their desire for human flesh for the remainder of the discussion.
MARK: Hello everyone and thanks for checking out my un-dead round table discussion about the first half of THE WALKING DEAD’S third season! We don’t have much time so lets get right into it and introduce our guests! In life, he gave everything to protect his country and its people. Now, he eats them.. Introducing ARMY ZOMBIE!
ARMY ZOMBIE: Thanks for having me.
MARK: Our next guest use to get paid to give people menus and now, people are on the menu!.. WAITRESS ZOMBIE!
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Clever.
MARK: Our next guest is a zombie wearing a tuxedo. TUXEDO ZOMBIE.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Oh. Is that all I get?
MARK: We should probably get started..
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Ok..
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: I ain’t getting any deader.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Brains.
MARK: Lets start off by saying that the one big difference between season 2 and season 3 is all the increased zombie action. Y’all must be pretty excited about that?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: You know, a lot of people have been saying that, but.. I think we caused quite the commotion in the second season.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: You have to remember that the farm was in the middle of nowhere. We generally prefer to stagger near highly populated areas like towns and shopping malls.
ARMY ZOMBIE: I think the most important thing to remember is that we did eventually show up and we were outstanding. We even ate Jimmy and Patricia.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Who?
ARMY ZOMBIE: It’s doesn’t matter.
MARK: Moving right along. Fans of the comic book were excited to see the introduction of the prison. I, for one, love the idea of hiding out in a prison during the zombie apocalypse A place designed to keep people in, can also do a really good job of keeping people out. Especially people who are, literally, falling apart.. No offense.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: None taken. I mean, I’m literally walking my ass off.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Personally, I didn’t think they had it in them to clean out the prison. Apparently, months on the run taught them a few tricks.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Well, not all of them. We still got to enjoy a little taste of ‘Cream O’ Hersel.’
MARK: Oh man! I couldn’t believe that! It was quick thinking of Rick to cut Hersel’s leg. It goes to show you that even the virus can be mastered. Even with the loss of Hersel’s good leg, you gotta admit that the prison was worth the risk.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Agreed. Tactically, the prison is a pretty great idea. I’m actually happy they showed up. I remember staggering past that place and feeling sorry for all of those poor bastards trapped in there. Never again experiencing the delicious flavor explosion of live flesh. Mmmmm
MARK: .. Are we going to have a problem?
ARMY ZOMBIE: No. We’re good. I’m on the ‘meat patch.’
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: (to ARMY ZOMBIE) Well.. those walkers weren’t exactly alone in there.
MARK: That’s right. Rick’s gang discovered a few prisoners hiding out in the prison cafeteria. This interaction proved to be very revealing about Rick’s current state of mind. After being betrayed by Shane, you can definitely see that Rick is no longer willing to take a chance on people who might endanger his family. One of them, Tomas, proved this point when he tried to throw Rick to a zombie. Which, Rick responded to with a machete to the head. Then, leaving his co conspirator Andrew to be eaten alive in a courtyard full of zombies.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Ahh yes, Andrew. That little guy would have made an excellent snack.
MARK: That’s right, Andrew got away!
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Yeah, that little scamp sure was rambunctious!
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: I wonder why Rick didn’t check to make sure we finished the job.
ARMY GUY: Guilt?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: I don’t know, but, that sure did come back to bite him in the ass.
MARK: Yep. It is later discovered that Andrew survived and ends up releasing a small horde of zombies into the prison yard. Which results in T-Dog getting his neck ripped out. Carol gets trapped in a closet for a week and then there’s Lori…
ARMY ZOMBIE: Personally, I knew T-Dog was going to die.
ARMY ZOMBIE: He got real preachy the day he died. Characters get especially preachy when they are about to die..
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Wait, What happened to Lori and the baby? Did a zombie get to enjoy a two for one deal on her?
MARK: Not quite. You see, Lori, Maggie and Carl get trapped in a boiler room when the shit hits the fan. So, naturally Lori goes into labor. The baby becomes breached and Maggie has to cut the baby out of her.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Brutal! Does she live?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: So, she’s a zombie now? Ugh. And I thought she was annoying when she was alive.
MARK: No. She’s not a walker. Carl made sure she didn’t turn.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: You mean he?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Wow. I think that’s messed up.. and I eat kittens!
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Rick mustn’t have taken that very well? Especially after how distant those two had been since Shane died.
MARK: No, he did not. When he returns to the courtyard and sees Carl carrying a gun and Maggie carrying his baby and no sign of Lori.. well.. He sort of loses it. After going on a wild zombie killing spree, he starts receiving imaginary phone calls from all the people who have died under Rick’s management. Including a phone call from Lori. The jury is still out on whether those calls were real or not.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Haha! You think they were ghosts? Now you’re being ridiculous.
MARK: So, people coming back to life and eating other people is fine, but, ghosts are where you draw the line?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Okay. You got me there. Hmm. I hope you are as tasty as you are smart.
MARK: Wouldn’t you like to know?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Well, yeah.. I’m a flesh eating zombie. Of course I would like to know.
MARK: Side note. When Rick eventually discovers the room where Lori died, all he finds is a zombie with a huge belly. Are we to think that it ate Lori entirely? Bones and all? Zombies don’t eat bones, do they?
ARMY ZOMBIE: No comment.
MARK: Lets talk a little bit about Andrea and Michonne.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Ugh. Those two.
MARK: Not big fans?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Not so much. On one hand you have the ninja sword carrying Michonne, who cuts off the arms and jaws of zombies so she can ‘domesticate’ them. And on top of that, she uses them to carry around her stuff! Then you have Andrea, who seems to keep falling in with guys who are obviously psychopaths!
ARMY ZOMBIE: Are you talking about Shane?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Him too! But, no, I’m talking about the Governor!
ARMY ZOMBIE: Who?
MARK: Well.. While investigating a helicopter crash, Andrea and Michonne run into a small group of scavengers. Enter stage left, their leader The Governor. Enter stage right, the triumphant return of Merle.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Merle? Is that Daryl’s one handed, sexist.. racist.. abusive older brother?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Oh. That guy isn’t high on my list.
MARK: Yeah, He’s kind of an asshole. Anyway, the Governor and Merle take Andrea and Michonne back to their hometown of Woodbury, which on the surface, appears to be the last bastion of civilization. Safety from walkers. Plenty of food and bullets. Booze. Ladies in sun dresses. This place has it all.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Yeah, but, they also tie up our kind up and use them in rigged death matches for their entertainment!
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Not to mention The Governor has a small room full of floating zombie heads and is keeping his zombie daughter chained up in there!
ARMY ZOMBIE: Yeah and he brutally murders a group of military guys in cold blood and steals their supplies!
MARK: Yeah. I mean, that’s all pretty bad. But.. Is he a bad guy?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Yes!
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Of course he is!
MARK: Well, he does do a pretty good job of rationalizing the ‘fights’ to Andrea by claiming that it helps the people cope with the new world they are living in. As for the military guys, we’ve already seen what happens when you invite strangers back to your group or when people in your group suddenly decide they don’t like the way you are running things.. Is taking a risk on strangers worth losing everything you’ve built?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: So, you’re okay with him keeping his zombie daughter tucked away?
MARK: Well.. kids will be kids..
ARMY ZOMBIE: More like, kids will eat kids.
MARK: Fair enough.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Wait. I’m sorry. But, you can’t possibly be defending The Governor. What about what he does to Glenn and Maggie?!
ARMY ZOMBIE: Hold on a sec.. I thought Glenn and Maggie were still at the prison?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Nope. They get captured by Merle and brought back to Woodbury.
ARMY ZOMBIE: How did that happen?
MARK: It’s kind of complicated. You see, Michonne never really accepts that The Governor and Woodbury are all that they appear to be, so, she decides to leave. Naturally, The Governor is not okay with this and sends Merle and a small group to kill her. There’s actually a pretty funny scene where Michonne leaves a note for Merle saying ‘go back’ made from zombie body parts
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Yeah.. That was really funny.. ..
MARK: Well, I thought it was funny.. Michonne then takes out most of the group and escapes to a nearby town. This is where she sees Glenn and Maggie getting food and supplies for the baby. Right then.. Merle shows up. He takes Maggie hostage and demands that he be taken back to Woodbury. Upon returning, Merle tells the The Governor about his hostages and then proceeds to lie and tells him that Michonne is dead.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Interesting. So, what happens with Glenn and Maggie?
MARK: Well, Glenn gets tied to a chair and Merle releases a zombie on him.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Whoa! Does Glenn get eaten?!
MARK: Nope! It’s actually quite bad ass. He’s able to free himself from his restraints and murders the zombie before he can take a nibble.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: .. .. Good for him
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Tell them what your friend The Governor does to Maggie..
MARK: Ehh. This scene was hard to watch. Basically, he makes her take off her top and insinuates that he’s going to do very unfriendly things to her.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: ..
ARMY ZOMBIE: ..
MARK: Yeah.. At this point, you don’t really think The Governor is a good guy anymore. I can understand wanting to protect what’s yours. But.. not like that.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Well, what happens to Michonne?
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: Oh! I was actually there for this! It was the darndest thing. Here I am, with a bunch of my buddies, trying to chew through the fence at the prison. Then, suddenly, out of nowhere, the walker right next to me turns out to be alive! I have no idea how she did it!
MARK: Oh. I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but, if living people cover themselves with zombie blood, zombies can’t tell that they are alive.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: You don’t say?
ARMY ZOMBIE: Say whhhaaaa?
MARK: Yeah. It’s pretty cool. So, Michonne uses this trick so she can safely get to the prison. Having heard Maggie and Glenn talking about the prison before Merle got to them. She brings the baby supplies along as proof that she has good intentions.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: And once her own blood started overpowering the scent of the undead blood, we swarmed on her. We almost had her to.. If it hadn’t been for that little pipsqueak, Carl.
MARK: And can I say, I love how Carl has been portrayed this season! He’s tough. He’s making brave decisions. He gets Hersel supplies from the infirmary all on his own. He rescues Michonne as a bunch of walkers are coming down on her. A little junior bad ass in training.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Yeah.. I definitely will not be taking that kid for granted when we cross paths.
MARK: That sounds like a smart decision. Anyway, they end up bringing Michonne inside and she tells them that Glenn and Maggie were taken by the guy who was hunting her in the woods. She fails to mention that his name was Merle! She then offers to take them to Woodbury to rescue their friends.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: And how does that go?
MARK: As to be expected. They seem to get in and get out without too much trouble. It does turn into a shoot out between Rick’s group and the tough guys of Woodbury. The only real casualty is Oscar. One of the two prisoners Rick let stay in the prison. Oh and also Daryl gets captured and put on display in the fighting circle.
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Is Merle there?
MARK: Yep! But, he’s been branded a traitor and a terrorist, along with his brother.
WAITRESS: Even in a zombie paradise, people still fear terrorism, huh?
MARK: It appears so..
ARMY ZOMBIE: Why does the town turn against Merle?
MARK: Well, when the prison gang is off trying to find Glenn and Maggie. Michonne sneaks off and has a pretty rough brawl with The Governor. It’s brutal. She ends up murdering his zombie daughter and taking out one of his eyes!
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Well, how does that get Merle labelled as a ‘terrorist?’
MARK: Besides Daryl being his brother, he told The Governor that Michonne was dead!
ARMY ZOMBIE: I was hoping that would bite him in the ass.
MARK: It sure did.
MARK: And while all of that is going on in Woodbury, a small group of survivors make their way into the prison. Carl rescues them when they get cornered and locks them into a small section of the prison. They are lead by a level headed man by the name of Tyresse.
ARMY ZOMBIE: So.. Oscar dies the same episode that Tyresse shows up?
MARK: Yeah. Why?
ARMY ZOMBIE: No reason..
MARK: Hmm. Tyresse seems to really appreciate what Carl has done for them and respect his junior authority.
MARK: And that’s where the last episode of WALKING DEAD left us! Let’s wrap this up by quickly talking about our favorite scenes so far.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: I think it was when Daryl tries to bond with Carl and tell hims about how his mom died by accidentally setting their house on fire. Carl responds with a ‘dude, I just shot my mom in the head to keep her from turning into a zombie.’ You win that round, Carl
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: I love how much like a horror movie this season is. People don’t die at the end of a horror movie, they died randomly throughout. It’s much more suspenseful that way.
ARMY ZOMBIE: I think it was when Lori was giving Hersel mouth to mouth and I thought Hersel was going to eat her face off. I almost screamed out my lungs.
MARK: I guess for me, I like feeling like all of this, is to see the growth of Carl from being a frightened child, to someone that will do great things for humanity. I’ve always believed this show was all about Carl’s journey. Carl, son of Rick ..
MARK: Well, I just want to say that you three have been ever so delightful!.. ..
MARK: .. You’re all going to eat me now, aren’t you?
WAITRESS ZOMBIE: Yep.
ARMY ZOMBIE: Absolutely.
TUXEDO ZOMBIE: You bet your sweet ass..
(I just want to say that the departure of Glen Mazzara has put a small rain cloud over the remainder of the season for me. He was instrumental in the crucial redirection that the show needed after the super slow pacing of Season 2. The dynamic he helped establish can pretty much keep the show going for many more seasons.)