Nerd Rants: Mark's STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Reactions

WARNING: This article is going to contain heavy spoilers. Exit now at your own peril

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You still here?

Han Solo is murdered by his son, Ben Solo AKA Kylo Ren.

Holy shit. I’ve been wanting to post that online for the past week. My life after seeing THE FORCE AWAKENS has consisted almost entirely of whispered plot analysis, carefully crafted text messages and back alley nerd debates. It’s not enough. I have all this pent up ‘rant’ inside of me and no where to rant it. ‘I’m being torn apart.’ I feel like a 13 yr boy full of angst and sexual frustration, with no outlet of release. N.E.R.D.! I can explode all over N.E.R.D… Yes. Let the spoilers flow through you, Mark. Give into it. YESSSsssss!

To be clear… this article isn’t going to be anything remotely similar to some of the other in depth analytical dissertations you might have already seen written about this film (Shit. Mark from the future here. I ended up going on quite the tangent). I just need to throw some spaghetti against the wall. I’ll even do it in bullet points to help keep this precise.

I don’t want Rey to be Luke’s daughter. Please, no. I understand why she should be. I understand how their galaxy works. I know it makes sense from a story telling point of view. The Skywalker’s came and they did their thing. They brought balance to the Force or they didn’t. I know the role they have played and will play in this universe. Rey doesn’t need to be part of that legacy to still be significant. Besides, don’t you want her true origin to be as monumental as Darth’s reveal to Luke in EMPIRE and not something that’s already painfully obvious?
Although… I would be okay with Rey being Han and Leia’s daughter… Think about it, the second Rey goes into space, she is picked up by Han Solo? Yes, I know he was on the lookout for the Falcon (She knows how to fly the Falcon because she grew up watching her father flying it!). She grows up on Jakku, the same planet where Lor San Tekka (Max Von Sydow) is held up, who just so happens to be a loyal follower of Princess Organa. Kylo Ren is desperate to learn more about the ‘girl’ assisting BB-8. His sister? True, these all still apply if she is Luke’s daughter, I just think having it be revealed that Rey is Kylo Ren’s sister is more significant than the obvious slow ball of her being Luke’s daughter. Although, why did Luke’s lightsaber call to her if she isn’t family? Damn it! Wait… Uncle Luke!
Actually. I’d be more okay if she was Obi Wan’s granddaughter. The Kenobis vs the Skywalkers! Round 2!
I know Luke started his training late, but, can we please stop acting like all the training he ever received was the 5 minutes of it that we saw in the original films? At this point, he’s been a powerful Jedi for over 30 years. I’m pretty sure it’s wrong to assume that he is still the damaged product of a poor Jedi education.
Now, let me immediately contradict myself by asking how the hell do you even train a Jedi? You could easily blame Luke’s inability to properly train Ben Solo on his own late and inadequate Jedi training, but, Jedi Masters have been losing padawans to the Dark Side for hundreds of years. Okay, I guess Count Dooku is the only official convert from Jedi Master to Sith Lord… If Luke had been more properly trained, who’s to say if he would have still lost Ben Solo to the Dark Side? Obi-Wan still lost Anakin and he had the support of the entire Jedi Council. Although, they were all clouded by the Sith uprising occurring right underneath them and the Clone War happening all around them. I don’t know what my point was with this bullet point…
Why isn’t Kylo Ren a ‘Darth?’ Is that a title that is bestowed once a Sith becomes a Sith Lord? Is Snoke actually a Sith Lord? Also, how tall is that dude? I’m guessing he’s Yoda tall. Also, how the hell does a Sith complete their training?
No. That’s wasn’t Coruscant.
Tell us your story, Finn. You were with the First Order your whole life. They have images of you as a child. You’ve been trained in art of war. You know how to use a blaster. You’re already pretty confident with a lightsaber. Educated to a certain extent. You worked sanitation. You’ve never had a single offense filed against you. Jakku was your first mission. The First Order hints that they have access to mental conditioning. How did you survive so long being as decent as you are while everyone around is stone cold? No one else in your battalion hesitated on firing on those innocent villagers. Who was that stormtrooper who died on Jakku and why did it set you free?
It’s going to be a little sad seeing Finn lose a little bit of his charm in the second movie. I mean, think about Luke and Han in the first movie. They were all cheering and taking shots at each other. They were having fun rescuing Leia. The next time they see each other, you can tell that the war is starting to wear on them. I don’t want Finn to lose that light inside of him. … I’m a little embarrassed for typing that.
I’m not going to mention Han’s death. I’m not going to mention Leia being able to sense it happening. No. I’m not. It’s all still too fresh.
I may have just answered this question while trying to figure out how to word it, but, why is there a map to Luke? It’s hinted that Luke is traveling the galaxy in search of Jedi Temples, is the map simply one of the last remaining bits of information pertaining to the Jedi Temples? Let’s go with that so I can move on.
Did Kylo Ren corrupt all of Luke’s students? Is that who the Knights of Ren are? Damn, Luke. All of them?
Has Luke turned to the Dark Side? How the hell am I supposed to know? All we know is that after the fall of his grassroots Jedi Academy, Luke disappeared. He seems to be making his way through all the Jedi Temples in search of something. Did losing Kylo Ren give him ‘the yips’ or is he wrestling with is own dark side demons? (Dark Side Demons, new band name.) We know the Skywalker’s have a long history of giving into their emotions (and falling in love)… Also. No. Luke is not Snoke. Snoke is obviously scared of Luke returning to the game board. I doubt Luke is suffering from a case of the ‘Tyler Durden’s.
Is Anakin Skywalker in communication with Kylo Ren? At one point, Kylo feels the call back to the light and pleads with ‘Darth Vader’ to once again show him the power of the dark side. Am I making this up? As far as I knew, Anakin renounced the Dark Side and returned to the light at the end of Jedi. In every iteration of the film, JEDI ends with some version of Anakin standing along side Obi-Wan and Yoda as a Jedi. Who the hell is Kylo Ren talking to then? Palpatine?
Speaking of Anakin Skywalker, why didn’t Luke ever tell Kylo about Anakin returning to the light at the moment of his death. Did Luke ever tell Leia that ‘he was right about Vader?’ That ‘he was rightttttt?’ I feel like if Kylo Ren is truly obsessed with Darth Vader and his legacy, Luke would have pulled him aside and set him straight. I mean, I know they talked about him… How else would Kylo Ren be able to retrieve his burnt up masked from it’s grave on Endor? How else would he know where it is?
I’m totally on board with a relationship developing between Poe and Finn.
Why did I start crying when BB-8 realized Poe Dameron wasn’t dead and rushed to him?
Fuck. Poor Chewie. You know that he probably helped raise Ben? I bet he was even Ben’s Godpuppy. Not only did he watch Ben kill his father (who was also his best friend/life partner) he also took a shot at him. That shit is heavy.
Why is there a rift between the Resistance and the new Galactic Republic? Why isn’t Leia a princess anymore? Did she renounce her throne?
Finn isn’t a clone, right? No. Kylo Ren suggests that they would be better suited using a clone army. Is Finn going to end up being somebody? He’s probably Luke’s son.
I’m having a real problem with the Starkiller base. Other than it having the same name as that dude in that game. It’s nearly three times the size of the original Death Star and it’s entire construction went unnoticed? The original resistance was unable to foil the first Death Star’s construction, but they were still able to procure its structural plans in a timely manner. ROGUE ONE, baby!
I love that this is the first time we ever get to see see someone truly connect with the Force. I mean, we’ve seen glimpses of it in Anakin’s dreams… but, Rey experiencing the past, present and future all at once was an unexpected happy sight. It was the first time that I’ve ever really been able to understand the complexity of the Jedi mind.
Seriously, why did Luke’s lightsaber call to Rey? Was it because it knew that she could bring it back to its master? Wait. Duh. Rey is sensitive to the Force. There’s an item in the basement that has absorbed decades of experience at the hands of two of the most powerful Jedis to ever exist. Of course she would sense it’s presence. Ha! Not his daughter!

Damn. I’ve only seen this movie twice. The second time, it was next to a kid who kept repeating that he ‘didn’t want to be there’ the entire time. I’m not counting that one. I need to go again…now.

And be sure to catch Jason Furie’s STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Movie Review!