I thought I would take a break from my regularly scheduled WALKING DEAD full season wrap-up ramblings and let my 107 year old grandfather Seamus Falcon take a shot at it.  We had to re-watch the entire season and that took us a couple of weeks… His blood is 87% whiskey. He’s not so good with the computer typing so I let him speak into a microphone and I later transcribed it for him.  Because I’m his perfect little man. Enjoy!

I use to work on the rail yards back in ’47. I had brown shoe laces.  I remember one time, we found a box car full of 27 hobos. We didn’t seriously consider eating them… What?  Oh.  Well, it seems like the nice group of diverse strangers are trapped in a warehouse and some short-haired broad just busted them out by blowing up some giant gas container.  Who?  Carol?  No… she died years ago.  She’s really kicking the Converse out of these Terminus nogoodnicks.  Cannibals, the whole lot of em!  Reminds me of the time I was hired to take a small group of entrepreneurs and scientist deep into the Congo to return their little monkey friend back to the jungle. Darndest thing, this monkey could talk using sign language and some contraption on its hand translated them into actual words.  They made a movie about the experience.  They called it “Time Cop”.  What?  Oh… It looks like the WALKING DEAD cast members just escaped from that Terminus whos-a-whats-it place in one piece.   Just in a nick of time too, they were all about to get a Louisville sluggers to the back of their brain boxes.  ‘Worse people out there?’  Not likely, if you ask me. Good thing that short haired broad showed up when she did.  Then, that bearded fella, with the short fuse put a little bit too much mustard on his hot dog and everyone started shooting out $2 hugs.  ‘Kill em all’ he says or something like that.  You see, you can’t leave survivors because they’ll just show back up and steal your vanilla sprinkles. Woodberries. If you ask me, those candle lighters got off way too easy. Bullets! Satanic chalk outlines.  You can keep ‘em.

He then went on to talk about how some woman he use to know sold him a box of apples for a nickle for about 2 hours so I can translate what the I think he was trying to say.  Rick and the crew barely escape from Terminus. You discover that there may be worse people out there. Zombies with ‘W’s carved in their heads. Carol showed up and kicked the shit. Rescued all of them.  All is forgiven.  She saves everyone’s life. A few Cannibal Lectors escaped.  Rick wants to finish the job but everyone is just happy enough being reunited.  Half of the group wants to get Eugene to DC and the other half is determined to re-establish a new community somewhere. Morgan is following their destruction.

I was never much of ‘religious man.’ Your grandmother (God rest her soul) use to drag me to the services every week.  I use to go and try to recall all the best sandwiches I’ve ever had in my lifetime.  A turkey club in 1936.  A tuna melt in 1945.  Huh?  The dirty people are back on the road and they keep getting surrounded by ‘dusty stumblers.’  They run into a preacher man who’s not so good at killing those pesky mutates bastards.  You know he’s hiding a secret or two. Oh yeah, someone carved ‘You’ll burn for this’ outside of the church.  Told you that ‘Preacher’ fella was up to no good. I JUST TOLD YOU!  A Sloppy Joe in 1982.  That tiny little thing named Tara tells that Maggie woman that she use to runaround with that Senator fella.  Who?  The Governor?  He’s not MY Governor. He cut off that beardo’s head. No, the other beardo.  The one missing the leg. You said something about ‘all the loose ends from last season getting’ tied up, whatever that means.  Your grandmother use to tie me up.  Oh, knock it off.  Everyone does it.  Let’s see.  Oh yeah, someone carved ‘You’ll burn for this’ outside of the church.  Told you that ‘Preacher’ fella was up to no good. WHAT?  Then that short haired woman tries to sneak off and the punk rocker disco fella with the cross bow tries to stop her.  Then, they run off in search of some car with a white cross on it.  Whatever that means.  Maggie who?  All I know is, one second everyone is in the church running calisthenics, the preacher guy is acting all squirrely, the red headed fella wants to drag the ‘Tennessee tophat’ to Washington to vaccinate school children and the next thing you know, the Terminus leftovers are smearing secret sauce all over Bob’s leg and having a ‘Sunday in the park’ with it.  Then, oh nelly, he starts screaming something about ‘Tainted meat!’  Did I dream all of this? Bye Bye, Bobby.

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Rick and the crew settle down at the church. Life ain’t so good for them. The Preacher they run across is obviously keeping secrets.  Someone carved ‘You’ll burn for this’ on the outside of the church.  Everyone is psychological raw. I loved the pacing of these episodes. It was hard seeing the crew having to readjust to scavenging the wastelands. Especially after almost having it all at the Prison. Carol wants to ‘irish good-bye’ the group.  Daryl catches up to her.  They chase after the car that Daryl saw kidnap Beth. Bob gets taken by the remaining Terminus people.  They eat his leg.  He reveals that he was bitten earlier that day on a supply run and yells ‘TAINTED MEAT!’  Rick’s crew baits the Terminus folk and brutally hack them up at the church.  The Preacher is traumatized. Sasha is descending into darkness. Tyreese is breaking. Rick is trying. Everyone says good-bye to Bob.  Sasha is sad.  His death was one of the hardest of the series.  At least he had time to make peace before his passing.  A luxury many aren’t afforded.

Where did this hospital come from?  Who are those cops? Why does that kid have a limp?  Mullet.  Mullet.  Mullet.  Mullet. Whoa!  Her brains just exploded!  Now HER brains just got exploded!  Mullet. Ginger man. Bloody Fist. Cops. Medicine.  Coma.  Mullet.  Peepin’ Tom’s.  Lesbian?  It’s a Golden Age! I don’t understand what she was hoping to accomplish in that hallway?  I mean, I get it.  I’ve bet on the low card a few times in my day.  I’ve sat in the basement of a Chinese library and contemplated the meaning of the external pretzel. Sitting there, postulating on the curvature of the sun.  There are easier ways to evoke change.  Easier ways to destabilize a country.  Was assassinating the prime minister the best option?  It was a suicide mission.  Suicide by stupidity.  I think she just wanted out of her recording contract.  ‘Write me out,’ all the good ones say.  I wanna guest star on ARROW as a scientist who can control tiny robotic bees. BEES!   Think of your sister!  She’s out there ‘worried’ about you. You’re dead.  You’re alive.  You’re dead.  Give it up, elevator shaft.

The Beth storyline isn’t all that great.  Beth enters into some sort of ‘indentured servitude’ situation at a dilapidated hospital, in the heart of Atlanta, run by a bunch of morally questionable police officers. Everyone there is an asshole. Beth keeps trying to escape. Carol get ‘admitted’ after a car accident. Basically, one of the dudes runs her down with his car.  We all meet Noah.  Daryl and the crew come to the rescue. Beth, I guess, sacrifices herself or something and gets herself killed by the warden? Rick retaliates and shoots the warden lady in the head.  Maggie is sad that her sister is dead. We find out Eugene was lying the whole time about knowing how to end the zombie apocalypse.  Abraham is grumpy about it and beats in Eugene’s face.  Everyone reconnects again.  Noah joins the crew.  Now what? 

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That big fella named ‘Tired Knees’ sure is done with all this nonsense.  Tyreese?  I don’t think so. I remember when we tried climbing the Alps. The one thing they don’t telling you is that the Alps are lousy with tiny spiders in top hats.  You’re up to your neck in them.  They don’t bite.  They aren’t poisonous.  They just whisper spoilers to all of your favorite TV shows.  The other people in my group took to smashing the little devils. It was the easiest option, to be sure. Not the most moral.  They had a way of breaking your spirit. I would do it whenever they would bring up THREE’S COMPANY.  I can’t tolerate anyone besmirching the good name of ‘Jack Tripper.’ I did it.  I killed them.  Reluctantly.  It … changes you.  They say you can’t come back from a thing like that.  I left a lot on that mountain.  Other than my Nintendo Power Glove.

Tyreese had been sleepwalking through episodes ever since Karen was murdered at the prison. While visiting Noah’s childhood home, he gets bit by one of his brothers.  He hallucinates conversation with dead cast members, including the Governor.  #ghost. He can’t handle this world anymore. It’s too violent.  It’s also one of the most beautifully shot episodes of the series. It’s a fitting death for a fan favorite character that the writers seemed to never fully understand how to develop.  He dies.  Sasha is distraught and pushed to her mental limit.  Supplies run low.  Everyone is at their lowest.  Suddenly, they meet a random, cleaned up fella, named Aaron who speaks of a thriving community named Alexandria that they have all been invited to join.  But, is it safe? Woodbury 2.0?  

The journey for the Grail begins with a map with no names.  The only thing missing is the starting point.  Alexandretta!  Of course I know what we’re talking about.  Hold your tongue, boy!  I know what I’m talking about… Wait. What are we talking about?  Alexandria. Those people sure don’t have a clue.  The world is rotting away.  It’s a staggering corpse of its former self.  Zombie metaphor! Humanity has literally and figuratively turned against itself. It’s pure ignorance on their part to assume that they wouldn’t need to readjust their conception of ‘society’ in the face of humanity’s complete upheaval. Why do you look so surprised?  I know things. Cocktail parties.  I remember one cocktail party I went to where all the vodka was urinated from the male models attending. I think it was a benefit for people who keep getting their belt loops caught on door handles. It’s a huge problem in the yachting community. If I had a ninja sword, I would always keep it on me.  I understand that it represents an aspect of her personality that she hopes she can outgrow, but, it’s such an effective weapon in the apocalypse.  Stick a few cocktail wieners on that and throw it over the fire.  Never shave your beard.  Let it grow. Bask in it’s fuzzy glory.  Let it wash over you like a bowl of gravy. Cocktail PARTIES!  ‘These are the things you worry about?’  The world is falling apart!  Humanity is hanging on by its fingertips and you’re cooking casseroles. I once knew a woman named Cassie.  She was the love of my life.  What about grandma?  Yeah, she was alright. Outsiders.  The whole mess of them.  Even at the end of the world, it’s good to see that people can still be hypocritical assholes. Like a nice glass of warm milk.

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 Alexandria is fascinating.  It is, in fact, a thriving and safe community that exist only because of dumb luck. It’s the ‘happy ending’ we’ve always wanted for our heroes and it shows us how such an ending makes absolutely no sense. After what they’ve been through and the world being the way that it is, a community like Alexandria is almost unsustainable at this point. People be trippin’.  Everyone has their own house complete with running water and electricity.  Rick shaves his beard. Him and Michonne become constables. The people held up there have accidentally fallen ass backwards into a very comfortable lifestyle in the middle of the apocalypse. Noah is eaten alive 2 feet from Glenn because of the inexperience of those doing supply runs.  The Preacher betrays the group and calls them ‘an evil that is undeserving of such a paradise.’ Carol talks scary shit at a child. Seriously, it’s intense.  She also does a really good job of disguises herself as some sort of fragile bird. WALKING DEAD introduces a gay couple and we learned how idiotic some WALKING DEAD fans can be. Also,  is Daryl gay? Rick covets a woman and contemplates murdering her abusive husband. Claim! The civilians have cocktail parties and book clubs.  The quiet that Alexandria offers gives our characters enough time to process the journey to this point and it almost breaks them. Is there no way back?  None of them want to grow weak within the walls of Alexandria. This is not the real world. Rick and Carol acknowledge that the only way for this community to survive, is to possibly destroy it.  Rick goes batty, beats the abusive husband bloody and hollers crazy while surrounded by Alexandrian residents.  Michonne knocks him out.


At this point, my grandfather smeared peanut butter all over his face and got stuck in our fire place.  So…  On WALKING DEAD, everyone decides to hold a meeting so that they can collectively decide Rick’s future. Exile? Foregiveness.  After killing a few walkers that stumbled into their walls (without anyone noticing), Rick loudly ponders how many Alexandrians he would have to kill in order to save them all. Once the abusive husband dude accidentally kills the husband of the woman in charge, a sort of understanding is reached.  Rick kills the jerk face with the approval of the head lady in charge.  There must be a balance between civilized behavior and the reality of their situation.  No room for pieces of shit in the present world. At the end of the season, everyone seems to understand that in order for Alexandria to survive, they have to accept that Rick and his crew know better than they do. They have a better understanding of the world and things living in it.  Time for a change.  Just in time too, because, a group of crazies called ‘The Wolves’ seem to be circling around them.  Here’s hoping that everyone in Alexandria is able to adapt in time for the coming storm.